At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
