why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
