I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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