New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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