I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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