when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
