Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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