I think I died a long time ago.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
