I'm lost and stupid without you.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
