Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
