that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
it was like eating out sand paper
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
