I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
