The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My liver just had a heart attack.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
