gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
