Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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