just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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