My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
