Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I met the friendliest cop last night
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I woke up under a house in Key West
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