Whod you bang
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
