I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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