At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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