he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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