I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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