You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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