Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
