We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
