I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
