I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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