It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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