Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
