wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
