can u get pink eye on your cock?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
