Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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