im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
