I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize