Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
