cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
