Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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