my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
