toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just forgot I was standing up.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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