There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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