oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
