tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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