On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize