My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
