My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
