are you so shy because you have an std?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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