I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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