I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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