I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
