Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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