I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
