Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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