I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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