I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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