I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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