the day after is always just damage control
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
