i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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