so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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