I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
