It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
