I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
